Exclusive Interview with Comedian, Actor, and Writer Mark Schiff
When Mark was six, his mother took him in to Manhattan every weekend for singing and ballet lessons. When he returned to school each Monday and showed his fellow Bronx classmates what he had learned, the class would gather around and beat him up. Mark’s mother smartened up and enrolled him in karate lessons, but those came to a halt when the karate teacher beat him up. When Mark was twelve, his parents took him to a nightclub. There, live on stage was Rodney Dangerfield doing his act. At that moment, he knew the path he had to follow. Mark has headlined in all the major casinos and clubs across the country and has appeared many times on both The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and Late Night with David Letterman. He has had both HBO and Showtime specials and has been the featured act at the Montreal Comedy Festival. He has written for and guest-starred on Mad About You, as well as appearing on Empty Nest and serving as a writer on The Roseanne Show. Mark regularly serves as the opening act for his long-time friend, Jerry Seinfeld. His new collection of humor essays, Why Not?: Lessons on Comedy, Courage, and Chutzpah, was just published.
What prompted you to write your new book, Why Not?: Lessons on Comedy, Courage, and Chutzpah?
I never set out to write a book. A few years back, David Suissa, the editor-in-chief of The Los Angeles Jewish Journal, asked me to write an article for the paper. He said no more than 700 words. I wrote what he asked for and had such a good time writing it, I wrote another, then another, then, another, etc. Then, Covid hit. My standup work was decimated, so rather than eating bon bons and putting weight on, I decided to keep writing and stay creative. Before I knew it, I had a whole bunch of these and I thought I should keep going till I have a book. Also, people that read my work seemed to really enjoy it, so that also encouraged me to keep going. I’ve been writing standup for 40 years. When you write standup, you need to get to the point quickly and cleanly. No fat is allowed. It’s the same with 700 words. No fat is allowed.
Did you decide to include a Yiddish word in the title to increase the book’s appeal to Jewish readers? Or, why?
My publisher came up with the title. My original title was something like “Lessons I Learned from My Tea Cup Yorkie and Other Friends.” My mother spoke Yiddish when she did not want me to understand her. Truth is she didn’t think I even spoke English. She would say, “I’m speaking to you in English and you don’t seem to understand a single thing I am saying to you.” There are a bunch of Yiddish words in the book. But I translate all of them for the non-New Yorkers.
How was the process of writing the book?
There was really no process in the sense that I didn’t start out writing a book. I started out by writing articles for the Jewish Journal and then Covid hit and I thought you know I’m not going to be working as a stand-up comedian anymore until it’s over and I don’t want to waste my time so what I did was I decided to stay creative and write a book. I ended up writing about 60 essays and sending them to my literary agent Murray Weiss in New York. Murray seemed to enjoy the articles and said yeah it looks like we have a book here. And that’s how the book happened. All I did was just follow the route that was being laid in front of me and took one step after another, broke one day after another, and I have a 275-page book.
How has your Judaism impacted your life, your relationships, and your comedy?
My Judaism has impacted everything in my life. It’s impacted my relationships because I have a lot of religious friends now. And not just Jewish religious. One of my best friends is a religious Christian. Bernie who lives in New York is a regular churchgoer. My Judaism has impacted my comedy in the sense that I’ve always been aware that it’s important to work clean and not be offensive. But now more than ever, I try not to say anything that would be hurtful to another person. And my Judaism has absolutely impacted my life in the sense that I know that I have a God that I can count on to maybe not do what I want him to do but at least I know he’s listening to me. And that is very important knowing that 24/7 I have an ear that’s willing to hear what I’m going through.
Many comedians would give an arm and a leg to be one of Jerry Seinfeld’s close friends and his chosen opening act. How did you receive that honor and how has that affected your life and career?
Jerry and I started together around 1977 in New York City at the comic strip on 2nd Avenue. When I first met Jerry, he was a waiter at Brew and Burger. He drove a little tiny motorcycle back and forth from his studio apartment on the west side of Manhattan that he shared with George Wallace, the great comedian. One of my first road gigs ever was with Jerry at Garvin’s Grill in Washington DC. We drove down in my 1976 Toyota Corolla and I turned him on to the Frank Sinatra Live at the Sands album. I’ve worked with Jerry performing stand-up on the road for over 20 years. Yes, we are friends yes we care about each other but know that if I didn’t do the job he would not hire me to open the show. Our friendship is strong and solid, but as they say in The Godfather, business is business and Jerry is not going to hire an opening act that is just going to die out there before he goes on. People ask me does he mind that you do so well when you go out there. And the answer is no, he loves the fact that I killed them before he goes on stage. I dig the hole then he buries them.
Is it true that at 12 years old you saw Rodney Dangerfield perform and that made you decide to become a comedian? Had you given it any thought before? Do you remember what you felt as you watched him perform? Ever get to meet him?
When I was 12 years old, my parents took me to a nightclub in Rego Park, Queens, called The Boulevard Nightclub. Rodney Dangerfield was the opening act for a singer named Al Martino. When Rodney came on stage and I saw him demolish the audience in no time flat and I saw my parents laughing like they’d never laughed before in their lives, I said to myself whatever this guy is doing for a living, that’s what I want to do. I had no idea at all of becoming a comedian before I saw Rodney Dangerfield. Once I started doing stand-up, I got a chance to meet Rodney and eventually became friends with him. He was always extraordinarily nice to me.
Two days before Rodney died, his wife called me and said if you want to say goodbye to him go up to UCLA Hospital and she told me what room he was in. I went that afternoon. When I saw Rodney, he was already pretty much in a coma and I’m not sure if he understood that I was there. I took his hand and thanked him for everything he’d ever done for me. I told him I loved him and I told him I thought he was the funniest guy that ever lived. In Judaism, the last thing you’re supposed to do before you die is say the Shema Yisrael. I took Rodney’s hand and I said the Shema and hopefully he heard it and it helped. For my money, Rodney was the best stand-up comedian ever to be on the talk shows, especially on the Johnny Carson show. Nobody ever did what he did on that show. He was a monster.
What kind of struggling did you endure on your road to becoming a professional comedian?
For the first 4 or 5 years when I started doing stand-up comedy, I bombed practically every single night. I was so bad that one night on The Bob Costas Costas interview show, Richard Belzer told him on TV that he thought that I was one of the worst comedians he had ever seen in his life. Then he told Costas over the years that I became a really terrific comedian. I didn’t make any money for at least 5 years and then I started making a little and started to support myself. I came at a good time to do stand-up comedy. I also came at a time with a lot of great comedians. On any given night, Paul Reiser, Jerry Seinfeld, George Wallace, Gilbert Gottfried, Carol Leifer, and another 30 acts I can’t even remember right this moment were on practically every single show that I was on at the showcase clubs. What made it not so difficult was that we were all struggling together. Nobody was making any money, nobody. Nobody was getting any gigs. We were just there every night at the club trying to learn how to do this stupid thing. One thing that we had above other people was we were serious about our comedy. And I think that’s why most of us are still working in one field or another of comedy.
Were your family and friends supportive when you informed them of your decision to become a comedian?
When I told my mother, she shot my father in the leg with a 22 and said this is your fault. Just kidding. When I told my mother I wanted to become a stand-up comedian, she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. It’s not like she had dreams of me becoming a doctor or a lawyer. I never had the grades for that. But becoming a stand-up comedian was such a strange thing to tell her because she never knew anyone anywhere anytime who ever wanted to become a stand-up comedian. My friends were relatively supportive when I told them. But I didn’t have the type of friends that would sit you down and have a long talk with you anyway. I think they always thought that I had a crazy streak in me and that this was just something else I needed to burn through my system.
What other jobs did you have en route to becoming a professional comic?
I was a mailman. I worked the mailroom at CTN — Children’s TV Network. I was a cook at The Comic Strip. I handed out free passes to see TV shows at CBS. I drove a cab. Worked at Sizzler Steak House.
What prompted you to start your podcast, You Don’t Know Schiff?
First, I became friends with my co-host Lowell Benjamin and his wife Cathy Heller. I worked on some jokes with Lowell for his act. Then we took a shower together and while soaping his back I asked if he wanted to do a podcast. He said yes and the rest is history. What most surprised me is how good we are at it. And how much fun it is.
How did you happen to connect with Lowell Benjamin as your podcast co-host?
I connected with Lowell through his wife Cathy Heller. Cathy and Lowell are fans of mine and they invited me to an evening in support of Israel. Cathy has a mega podcast called Don’t Keep Your Day Job. She said that I should have a podcast. But I did not want to do one alone. So after hanging out with her husband Lowell whom I found very funny and smart. I asked if he was interested. We did a test podcast together and liked working with each other and we decided to give it a shot. I like that he is younger than me and his style of comedy is different from mine. He is more low-key and very sharp. He also asks well-thought-out questions. The biggest surprise is how much I enjoy talking to him. His sister Jennifer is our editor and she also is fabulous. As a comedian, you really hope your editor understands jokes. She gets them. She is a blessing to us.
What are your work habits for your comedy act? Do you write every day? Does joke writing come easily to you? Do you bounce ideas and premises off other comedians and writers?
When I first started, I wrote every day. Then, I spent years not writing every day. Now, I am back to writing every day. Writing is much better than not writing. I love writing and I am almost never short of ideas. I am flipping blessed with a fertile mind. Yes, I bounce ideas off of other comics. It is almost always helpful.
What is still on your bucket list — both professionally and personally?
I don’t really have a bucket list. I guess my bucket list is this. I hope to stay creative until the day I die. I hope to stay married to my wife until the day she kills me. And I would like to have 10 grandchildren. I also wrote a play years ago called The Comic. I’d like to see a film made of it.
Which comedians most influenced you and/or make you laugh the most?
Number one is Rodney Dangerfield. Then, Robert Klein, Woody Allen, Richard Pryor, I work with Seinfeld a lot. I’m not saying it because I work with him. But when I watch him, I am always amazed at how good he is.
What do you miss most about living in New York City?
Hookers and rats and throwing bags of garbage out the window on somebody’s head.
What kinds of health issues have you faced — and did comedy help you through them? If so, how?
Great question. Thirty years ago, I had a twisted colon and I needed immediate life-saving surgery. After about a day and a half and still in pain, I could literally feel my sense of humor being restored. Lying in the hospital bed, I started feeling funny again. That was amazing and I think helped me get through it.
Would you change anything personally or professionally if you got to live your life over?
Professionally, I would have liked to have been more devoted to my writing. I think I would have changed that. I think I could have been much better than I am now. Personally, I’m very happy with my friends and family. I could not have asked for anymore than I now have.
Have you found that your health/nutrition/exercise/lifestyle habits impact your comedy?
100%. I feel much more confident on stage. I don’t feel like a slob. I can tuck my shirt in without it popping out. I’m not afraid my body is going to fail me like when I was overweight.
Your favorites in these categories:
Books: Expecting Adam. An extremely funny and touching book about down syndrome.
Movies: The In-Laws. Peter Falk and Alan Arkin are comedy gold together.
TV shows: Succession- Love stories about uber-wealthy people that are all screwed up and miserable.
Plays: Anything in the ’70s by Neil Simon. My God could he write.
Radio shows: Kraft Music Hall with Al Jolson. Jolie brought on the best guests and he sang a lot on it.
Podcasts: Rich Roll and Honestly with Bari Weiss. She might be the brightest woman on radio.
Websites: I love trolling eBay for cheap ties.
Actors: Buster Keaton, Chaplin, Henry Fonda.
Comedians: Chaplin, Keaton, W.C. Fields,
Food: Pastrami, but I’m a vegan and never eat it. But I love it.
You’ve performed in Israel. How did you find that experience?
It was like performing for family. So loving was the crowd. I love Israel. I love Jews.
How would you describe your pre-marital dating life? Did being a comedian make you more attractive to women?
Comedy makes you attractive to everyone. People love and trust funny people. That’s why the Cosby thing is so hard. We all loved and trusted him.
How did you meet your wife and how did you know she was The One? What’s the secret of your long relationship with her?
I did a show in San Antonio and she was on the board to raise money for the Jewish Federation. The first night we met, we discussed marrying each other. A year and a half later, we made it happen. Glad I did 32 years ago.
Is there something about you that even your fans would be surprised to know?
My right foot is size thirteen my left is a five.
How would Mark Schiff spend an ideal day?
Spending time with my wife and kids. Doing a great set at a club. And writing three good pages of something. And helping someone in need.
Who were your peer group of comedians you came up with in New York? Was it a totally supportive scene? Did the success of any of them surprise you?
Jerry Seinfeld, Paul Reiser, Larry Miller, Gilbert Gottfried, George Wallace, Ronnie Shakes, Richard Belzer, Bill Maher, Carol Leifer. To name a few. No surprises. All super talented people who deserved everything and more. No flukes in the bunch.
If there is some sort of heaven or afterlife, what would yours be like?
I would be with family, friends my dogs and birds, and the souls of all the Jews who died for no other reason than that they were Jewish.
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